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A PREMIER SPORTING DESTINATION by John Mummert
LISA-Novoyaz Network News . . . . . . . . . . July 2
“Good morning. Welcome to Terra Plana Sponsored by Donny Fider Crypto Ventures. I’m Iago Abwasser.”
“And I’m Morrigan de Winter. Let’s get to the story everyone is talking about.”
“Anticipation is high today, Morrigan, a mere two days from the opening of what is certain to be a premier destination for discriminating sportsmen and
world travelers. The Tugarinus Maximus Hippodrome and Amphitheater in Jupiter, Florida is a magnificent complex funded by donations from the Nartsiss
Moshennik Foundation, the many friends of President Durak Tugarin, and an array of corporations, including tech, cryptocurrency, oil, and defense.”
“Iago, the Tugarinus Maximus will be not only the nation’s premier venue for horse racing, but the world’s only major venue for—can you believe it?—
chariot racing.”
“Yes, Morrigan, chariot races will be held on the Amazon Avaritia Chariot Track—two- thousand, one-hundred and fifty feet long and four-hundred and
ten feet wide, the distance measured in feet rather than the woke metric system as insisted upon by the president. Races will be held under rules used in
the Roman Empire. Cage fights and gladiator battles will take place in the adjacent Neunter Kreis Technologies Arena, which will be leased as well by the
Department of Homeland Security to train ICE and Border Patrol agents in gladiatorial combat maneuvers. The president and his personal guests will watch
events from the stunning, gold-appointed Hassen President’s Box.”
“And being introduced in the US, for the first time we believe, and sponsored by Foundation ParaMenyét Media Corp—I know I’ll mess this up—is it
calcium storko fiortina?”
“Even our brilliant president has stumbled over the name, Morrigan. Calcio storico fiorentino is a very old and extremely violent ball game still played in
Florence, Italy. Head-butting, elbowing, choking, punching—all allowed. The president calls it a real man’s game.”
“Iago, the Hippodrome’s MetaPudel Commander Club has drawn criticism from woke leftists and radical feminists who claim the club’s management by
Slangmis Imports is cause for concern. Slangmis is owned by the president’s close friend Humbert Lafaard.”
“White House Press Secretary Eris Lugnerin addressed those criticisms yesterday,
assuring everyone all employees and entertainers at the highly exclusive Commander Club will be of legal age, and none will be from any country seeking
Mr. Lafaard’s extradition. Also, no one will have access to dressing rooms without permission from Mr. Lafaard.”
“There was another exciting announcement yesterday as well, Iago, about a new reality show, portions of which will take place at the Tugarinus
Maximus.”
“That’s right, Morrigan. Alien Gladiators Sponsored by Night & Fog Surveillance and Detention ManagementAlien Gladiators will pit aspiring immigrants
in feats of combat and strength for a chance at US citizenship. Final rounds will be held in the Neunter Kreis Arena.”
“Iago, is expected to feature a rotating cast of hosts and judges, including border czar Venal Zaroff, Border Patrol chief Grendel Camicianera, Florida
Governor Ranzig Depravatus, LISA-Novoyaz’s own Tucian Vulgaris and Hannya Szadista, and HHS administrator Dr. Mallard Slangolie, known to television
viewers as Dr. Duck. And—get this—the finals will be co-hosted by Homeland Security Secretary Stasi von Trollpop and billionaire presidential confidant
Slegs Blankes.”
“Homeland Security spokesperson Kinci Klio Klantag confirmed this morning that losers in the competition will be deported to the Democratic Republic
of the Congo as advocated by White House Deputy Chief of Staff Balor Braunhemd, where they will be given gainful employment in copper and cobalt
mines owned by Wagner-Piyavka Mining Corp, one of the generous donors to the Tugarinus Maximus.”
“Ticket demand for all Tugarinus Maximus events is expected to be sky high, Iago. Reports say the Saudi royal family has purchased a large bloc for both
gladiator bouts and chariot races. The July 4 opening ceremony will feature the emperor—I mean, the president—”
“Let’s wait for the official Supreme Court ruling, Morrigan!”
***
ParaMenyét Media Corp/Cenzor Broadcasting System Evening News . . . . . . . . . . July 5
“Good evening, and welcome to the CenzorBS Evening News. I’m Sham Schmeichler.
“Attorney General Amoralis Bolonka today ordered US Attorney Zelota McCarthy to file criminal sedition and libel charges against any news outlet
reporting the president appeared confused and incoherent during yesterday’s opening ceremony at the Tugarinus Maximus Hippodrome and
Amphitheater. Attorney General Bolonka also threatened charges against those communists, radical feminists, and Democrats spreading lies the president
fell from his chariot during the opening ceremonial circuit of the Amazon Avaritia Chariot Track. The attorney general noted the president’s superior athletic
skills are well known, and his chariot is a state of the art quadriga racing vehicle designed, constructed, and donated by PalanTyran Mass Surveillance AIHD.
White House Deputy Chief of Staff Balor Braunhemd said media outlets have been ordered to destroy all photographs and recordings of yesterday’s
ceremony not yet confiscated if they wish to avoid prosecution and to continue being allowed to operate.
“And in related breaking news, the Supreme Court has issued a Star Chamber injunction against the release of any material not approved by the White
House regarding yesterday’s Tugarinus Maximus ceremony. Chief Justice Vidkun Skaduhof said the Court would have no further comment. The usual legal
and constitutional experts are condemning the ruling, complaints we here at CenzorBS won’t waste your time by covering.”
***
THE WASHINGTON TRUMPET
Cowering Obediently in the Dark
November 28
Accusations of Illegal Gambling at Florida Complex
Whistleblower complaints allege referees, judges, and sponsor employees associated with the Tugarinus Maximus Hippodrome and Amphitheater in
Florida have conspired to place illegal bets, and rig chariot races and gladiator matches. The complaints also allege matches on the reality show Alien
Gladiators Sponsored by Night & Fog Surveillance and Detention Management are rigged to favor lighter-skinned contestants. White House and Tugarinus
Maximus officials deny any wrongdoing, and say these accusations are “lies spread by communists, radical feminists, and treasonous Democrats.” Officials
likewise discounted as lies the allegations of misconduct and human trafficking associated with the MetaPudel Commander Club at the same complex.
##END##
John Mummert grew up in Illinois, and spent thirty years in the water quality protection field in Texas before turning his full attention to writing. His stories are published or forthcoming in wildscape. literary journal, Up North Lit, Ivo Review, TrashLight, Sangam Literary Magazine, and Wild: Uncivilized Tales From Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers. He currently lives in western Minnesota.